The only love I've ever known
by NotThatIWillEverWriteIt
Summary: Iwa-chan was the coolest and bravest boy Tooru had ever known. He scored the most at football and caught the biggest stag beetles. Everyone wanted to be Iwa-chan's best friend, but they couldn't because he already had Tooru and you can only have one best friend. They had always been together and would always stay together.
1. Chapter 1

Iwa-chan was the coolest and bravest boy Tooru had ever known in his six years and nine months of life. He scored the most at football and could bat the baseball really far. He caught the biggest stag beetles and dared to climb the tallest trees. He was the only one of them who had had the stomach to jump from ten meters at the public pool when they had gone swimming with the gym class (the teacher had scolded him later). He knew the most dirty words and could eat the spiciest ramen.

"Oh my, it's really coming down," Tooru's mother said and peeked at the murky sky. Downpour beat the ground and heavy drops splashed against the wooden deck of the backyard coloring it almost black. "It doesn't look like it's easing up at all. I think you should just stay over, Hajime-kun, or you'll catch a cold."

"Yay!" Tooru exclaimed and bounced to his feet to catch Hajime in his arms. "We're gonna stay up the whole night!"

"I should call my ma," Hajime said and tried to pull free from Tooru's enthusiastic embrace.

"Of course. I'll dial the number for you."

Tooru's mother flipped through the little notepad hanging next to the phone on the wall until she found Hajime's home number. The landline phone rattled as she rotated the dial, and the twisty cord hung and swayed in midair.

"Here, it's calling," she said and handed the phone to Hajime who pressed it against his ear with both hands.

For a while, he stood quietly and listened to the regular toot-toot-toot. He twisted the sticky phone cord around his fingers and watched as Tooru continued his alien drawing. They had been coloring pictures on the living room floor, listening to the heavy rain and waiting for the storm to pass. Tooru had gotten new crayons – the new kind they had seen in commercials between Saturday morning cartoons – and Hajime had been secretly dying to try them out.

The line clicked, and Hajime's mother's voice answered the call.

"It's me. Can I stay at Tooru's tonight?" A pause. Hajime frowned. "Yeah, she said it's fine. It's raining really hard." With a little sigh, he handed the phone to Tooru's mother. "She wants to talk to you."

"Hello, Iwaizumi-san? Yes, I thought…"

The conversation faded to mere background noise when Hajime rejoined Tooru in the living room.

"Hey, did you take my green?" Hajime looked around the floor littered with colorful crayons until he spotted the green one in Tooru's hand. "Give it back, I still need it!"

Tooru didn't even look up from his picture, just kept coloring with his pink tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. "In a sec, I'm not done yet."

"I wasn't either!"

"You can do other parts."

"But I had it first!" Hajime snatched the crayon from Tooru's hand but accidentally smeared his picture with a green line over the borders in the process. Tooru looked at the ruined picture, and his face twisted into a pout.

"Iwa-chan, you ruined it!"

"Come on, it's not that bad, it's just a little line."

Tooru frowned at the picture he had been working on with care. He was the best at coloring in his class and never colored outside the borders.

"But you made me go over the lines. You ruined it. And you can't take from someone's hand! _Mo-om_ , Iwa-chan took from my hand and ruined my picture!"

"Look, it's not that bad, okay? I'll help you fix it!" Hajime hurried to shush him and took a closer look at Tooru's picture. With the green crayon, he sketched a tail for the alien. "There, see? It's even better now."

Tooru looked at the picture with a skeptical frown. "Baka, aliens don't have tails."

"How do you know? This one has."

"No, they don't, I've seen and they don't."

"But this is a different species."

"What's a spe – scie – what's that?"

Hajime deemed the crisis averted and went back to his own drawing.

"It means it's a different kind of alien," he said matter-of-factly but couldn't quite hide feeling a bit smug that he knew such a grown-up word. "That alien has a tail but the others don't. Kinda like you have brown hair but I have black."

Tooru's eyes widened and his mouth opened in silent awe. "Are we different sciepies?"

"Yup."

Tooru's mother peeked around the corner while tying an apron behind her back. "Hajime-kun, your mother said you can stay the night and go school with Tooru tomorrow. Where did you leave your bike? Not on the driveway, right?"

"It's where Tooru's bike is."

"Good. Why don't you finish those pictures while I whip up some supper? Hajime-kun, you can borrow Tooru's pajamas after the bath."

"Do you want the dinosaur one?" Tooru offered, hoping Hajime would pick it instead of Tooru's favorite that was so precious to him he barely wore it.

Hajime made a face at the suggestion. "Eww, no, it has flowers."

"They're not flowers, they're _trees_!"

After eating homemade onigiri with chicken and orange wedges, Tooru's mother hung up their artwork on the fridge door and ushered them to the bath. The tub was just big enough for both of them, and their bony little boys' knees bumped under water occasionally. Before leaving to clean up the living room and lay down the guest futon in Tooru's bedroom she squirted a little of the extra foamy soap in the bathwater. As soon as she left the room, Tooru reached for the top shelf on his tippy-toes and added some more. Soon the tub was overflowing with foam, and white fluffy bubble islands silently slid down over the edge.

"Your army is in the boats, and then I come from under," Tooru instructed and arranged the duck army in front of Hajime.

"I had the boats last time, too, and they always lose!"

"Not always! They can dive."

"But they can't shoot underwater, it's not fair." Hajime reached to rummage through the big plastic basket of toys until he pulled out an old battered T-rex missing its right hand. "Now, I've got air forces, too," Hajime said and imitated the sound of a fighter plane while sinking one of Tooru's submarines.

"But dinosaur can't fly, it's – "

"Shh!" Hajime's head whipped around, and he waved him quiet.

"What?"

"Shuddap."

Tooru glared at him annoyed. "Don't always tell me to – "

"Be quiet!" Hajime snapped and froze to listen. Tooru frowned and perked up his ears, too, but all he could hear was the sloshing of the bathwater and the rain drumming against the roof.

"I don't – " Then he heard it. A low rumble barely reaching enough energy to push through the buffer of background noise but gaining power fast until it rolled loudly through the air.

Thunder.

Tooru glanced at the frozen Hajime and the way he was squeezing the forgotten T-rex in his hand.

Oh.

 _Oh_.

"You boys about ready?" Tooru's mother peeked behind the door, and her face fell when she saw the wet mess they had made. "What on earth did you – you better dry this all up!"

"I'm ready," Hajime said and sprung to his feet so fast even more water splashed over the edge. With nervous stiffness, he climbed out of the tub and let himself be wrapped in a big, fluffy towel. Thunder rumbled again, and he fidgeted anxiously.

"Tooru, you too, up," his mother said and held up another towel.

"Mom, Iwa-chan is scared of the thunder."

Hajime turned on his heels to glare at him. "I'm not!"

"Are, too!"

"Am not!"

"Yes, you are, I saw!"

Embarrassment tinted Hajime's cheeks and stung in his eyes. "Stupid Tooru, always being stupid!"

"Hey hey, now," Tooru's mother said to put an end to the fight before it could escalate and dried Tooru's dripping hair with the towel. "No one is stupid, and it's perfectly fine to be scared, thunder scares me a bit, too. But it can't get you inside, so there's nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, it can," Tooru said knowingly from under the towel, "it can strike a house. I saw it on TV."

"Tooru, that's not helping. Please, don't worry about it, Hajime-kun. Everything is fine. Do you want to call home before going to bed?"

"I'm fine," Hajime muttered. "And I'm not scared."

To get payback, Hajime picked Tooru's precious alien pajama for bed. The bottom had pictures of space dust clouds, multicolored planets, swirling galaxies, and blazing stars. The top had real-life pictures of old rockets and spacecraft. Hajime and his mother had picked it together for Tooru's last birthday, and Tooru had loved it so much he had insisted on bringing it to the kindergarten with him the next day.

To take Hajime's mind off the thunder (that he was not scared of) Tooru's mother read them three stories and let Hajime pick two of them. After the last "happily ever after" she tucked them in, kissed them good night, and closed the door softly.

Quietly Hajime stared at the closet in the dim light of Tooru's night lamp. Rain lashed the window, and thunder showed no signs of relenting. Suddenly, a loud crack split the air like a whip, and an electric flash illuminated the room for a second. The night light flickered a little alongside with Hajime's heart. He screwed his eyes shut, and a quiet whimper escaped between his lips.

"Iwa-chan?" Tooru whispered after a moment of silence. "Are you awake?" The sheets rustled on the bed. "Do you want to come up here?"

"Who would want that," Hajime said and hated how the shakiness of his voice gave away how terrified he was.

"Do you want me to get mom?"

"No."

"Do you – "

"I told you, no. Let me sleep already."

"But – "

"If you don't shut up, I'll tell everyone you peed your pants last summer."

"Because I sneezed!"

"They won't know that."

Silence returned for a while until the wooden frame of Tooru's bed creaked and something soft thud on the floor behind Hajime's back. He didn't need to peek over his shoulder to know Tooru was settling on the futon next to him. His pride wanted to elbow Tooru and shoo him away, but he couldn't deny the closeness calmed him down.

A little bit.

"If Batman and Spiderman fought who would win?"

"Go to sleep."

Another flash of lightning slashed the darkness, and the thunder boomed soon after. The storm was almost above them, and tension stiffened up Hajime's shoulders. A warm hand nudged gently his back.

"Come on, Batman or Spiderman?"

"Spidey, of course," Hajime almost snapped.

"If Spiderman and Hulk fought wh – "

"Hulk."

A short pondering pause until, "No, he wouldn't."

"Totally would. Hulk's power doesn't have any limit."

"Yeah, but all he can do is punch really hard. Spidey can just dodge."

"But he can punch really hard and he can regenerate. And he gets stronger and stronger because he gets angrier."

"Okay, what about Hulk and Superman?"

Hajime frowned and fell silent. "I dunno, Superman maybe. He's super fast and powerful. He could use his laser eyes."

"If Godzilla and an alien fought who would win?"

Hajime rolled to his back and glanced at Tooru in the dim light. "Depends. What kinda alien?"

"The kinda with a tail."

"What powers they have?"

"They can breathe underwater and their tails are really strong."

Tooru's hand came to rest against Hajime's side and his bare, cold toes poked Hajime's foot under the blanket. The thunder kept on rumbling outside, but the rain had started to drown and overpower its loudness. The warmth of the blanket enveloping them set in Hajime's bones, and his eyelids began to grow heavy.

"Do they have armies?"

"No, it's just one."

"Hmm, I dunno," Hajime mumbled and tried to suppress a yawn. "Sounds like a weird alien."

"Yeah, he's pretty weird. But the Godzilla is definitely weirder."

Everyone wanted to be Iwa-chan's best friend, but they couldn't because he already had Tooru and everyone knew you can only have one best friend in the whole world. Tooru always told everything to Iwa-chan, and Iwa-chan always told everything to Tooru.

They had always been together and would always stay together.


	2. Chapter 2

It was Oikawa's idea, of course. Well, drunk-Oikawa's idea to be exact which only made it worse. Or maybe not full drunk, more like tipsy.

Semantics aside, Hajime found himself neck-deep treading the chilly water of the dark pool in the middle of the night and wondering – once again – how come he suddenly became incapable of rational thinking when it came to Tooru.

It was their last weekend of the summer break. The first and second years of the team had organized a get-together, a farewell party of sorts, for the third years who would pack up their moving vans tomorrow and scatter off to university. It was the third years' night, they had been informed. Whatever they said would go, and the first and second years promised to take care of the possible (and very likely) clean-up, too.

Someone had managed to get beer and booze for the night, and they had sneaked into the gym with the drinks and snacks. In no time, they had come up with various volleyball-related drinking games which became more daring and inventive as they kept emptying the beer cans. When poor Kindaichi almost received Oikawa's monster serve with poor drunken accuracy with his face Hajime had called a timeout and sat everyone down with greasy snacks to soak up some of the booze.

Oikawa had called him 'mom' with drunken confidence, and Hajime had taken silent pleasure of knowing in how much of pain the idiot would be the next morning. Not to mention he would have to suffer through it on a plane halfway around the world.

Hajime had been accepted to Tokai University in Tokyo. Oikawa had been scouted by an American university and offered a volleyball scholarship. Full-ride. He had gone overseas for a couple of days with his parents on the summer break and come back with two pairs of plastic Mickey Mouse ears (one for him and one for Hajime), wearing a T-shirt with the university logo, and a pile of forms to fill.

His plane would leave tomorrow, but as if on some mutual decision neither of them had mentioned it the whole night.

"It's still pretty warm. I don't even need my jacket," Oikawa said and turned his flushed face towards the orange dawn of the sunset.

They were walking down the same shortcut they had taken hundreds, maybe even thousands of times together. The familiar sounds and smells filled Hajime with early nostalgia as if he was missing it all before it was even gone.

"I had a really great time tonight," Oikawa said with a sigh and suddenly clung to Hajime's arm.

"I hope we didn't leave too big of a mess behind. If the coach finds out the others will have hell to pay."

"Hmm, I'm sure they're gonna be fine," Oikawa mumbled and nuzzled the shoulder of Hajime's jacket with his eyes closed, "They'll be fine."

Something had been off with Oikawa lately. Hajime had caught him staring in the distance, deep in thought, but when he asked what was wrong, Oikawa would just give a small smile and dismiss him with some excuse. At first, Hajime had put it down to nerves. Oikawa was about to move half-way across the world all by himself so no wonder he was a bit preoccupied.

But after a while, he had started to think maybe this was something else, too. The way Oikawa spoke, the way he looked at Hajime, it all made him uneasy. It was almost like he was – well, not saying goodbye, per se – it felt more like…Hajime couldn't put his finger on it, but his gut told him it was never good news when Oikawa withdrew himself like this.

The thing about Tooru was that the guy was a like piece of wet soap. Whenever you thought you had finally figured him out, he slips off your fingers once again. Hajime had known him most of his life – which made him somewhat of an expert – but even he occasionally had trouble getting the truth out of him.

"Look, Iwa-chan, the old hole on the fence is still there!" Oikawa sprung to life and yanked Hajime out of his mullings. He tugged Hajime's hand and dragged him towards the wire-netting fence that surrounded the public pool next to the shortcut. "Remember how we always sneaked in after-hours? Come on, let's go for a skinny dip like old times!"

Hajime pulled his hand free and rolled his eyes. "Are you insane?! The water's freezing, and we're not breaking in."

"Come on, why _nooot_?" Oikawa whined.

"'Cause you're drunk and need to clear your head before your flight. Let's just go home."

A teasing smirk twisted Oikawa's lips and the early autumn sundown made his big brown eyes glint. His shoes dragged on the gravel as he backed away from Hajime.

"You're gonna have to catch me first."

Hajime sighed, tired and annoyed. "If you wanna go, then go, but I'm leaving."

"But what if I get a cramp and drown? Or hypothermia? You're willing to risk that, Iwa-chan?"

"Which is why I'm telling you no. Come on," Hajime held his hand out for Oikawa in hopes to lure him back with a promise of rare smack-free skinship, "let's get you home."

But Oikawa had that familiar look on his face that told Hajime he had had an idea and was not letting himself to be talked out of it. With surprising grace and balance considering the level of alcohol in his bloodstream, Oikawa spun around and wiggled through the tight slit on the fence to the other side. He was halfway down the gentle slope that led to the pool before Hajime's tired brain caught up.

"Damn it, Idiotkawa," he muttered angrily and crouched down to squeeze through the small opening. He made it back to his feet just in time to see Oikawa shedding his bag, sneakers, Aoba Johsai jacket and sweats on the side of the pool and heading towards the diving tower in his T-shirt and underwear.

"Oi!" Hajime called and carefully jogged down the slope. His shoes slipped on the grass slippery with night dew. Oikawa had almost reached the lowest platforms by the time Hajime reached the bottom of the tower. "Come down from there before you fall."

"No, I'm gonna jump."

"No, come on, you're too drunk for that," Hajime tried to reason. He grabbed the cold metal railing and hoisted himself up the first ladder. The pale blotch of Oikawa's T-shirt disappeared around the corner as he headed to the next level. "Hey, you listenin' to me?!"

"Don't be such a worry wart, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa's voice came from somewhere above Hajime now. "You've jumped from up there many times, how hard can it be? I'm gonna cross the big ten off my bucket list now."

"Do _not_ jump from the ten, do you hear me? Oikawa!"

"Just stay there and keep watch!"

"Fine! You're gonna slip and fall and break your idiot neck, see if I care!" But the wind caught Hajime's angry shouting, and he was left fuming on the ground.

Soon Oikawa reached ten meters, and Hajime held his breath as he watched his head appear behind the platform to carefully peak down. He waved at Hajime and shouted something, but Hajime couldn't make out what he was saying. Probably something stupid. Then he disappeared again. When nothing happened for a while, Hajime sighed in relief that maybe Oikawa had gotten cold feet and was on his way down.

Wishful thinking.

In a flash, Oikawa dashed and leaped off the platform in a heap of flailing arms. The scream which split the air as soon as Oikawa's feet left the cement platform told Hajime he seriously regretted his choices, but it was too late to turn back. It took a surprisingly long time to reach the surface all the way up from ten meters, but you always eventually did, and Oikawa, too, hit the water with an impressive splash. He disappeared in the white whirlpool and sank deeper and deeper.

And then he stayed there.

Hajime shifted restlessly and stared hard at the dark blue water. He could make out the rippling shape of Oikawa's body underneath, but it was oddly still and in no hurry to resurface.

"Come on," Hajime mumbled. "Push yourself up, already, idiot. Come on."

Did the impact hit him too hard? Did he land in a bad position? Maybe he swallowed some water? Maybe –

"Damn it, Tooru," Hajime snapped, tossed his bag aside, hurriedly toed off his shoes and with suddenly shaking hands struggled out of his jacket.

He jumped off the edge of the pool and dived in with his arms reached above his head. The shock of the cold water took his breath away, and he damn near gasped and inhaled water. The chlorine stung in his eyes, but he locked Oikawa's body as his target and paddled the water with all his might. It felt like diving in sticky glue but finally, he reached Oikawa who floated unresponsive with his eyes closed. Hajime wrapped his arm around Oikawa's middle and used the bottom of the pool to spring up towards the surface. The strain on his muscles caused his lungs to scream for oxygen. If Hajime had thought it had taken forever to reach the bottom, the few meters back up took even longer than that.

As soon as they broke the surface, Hajime gasped for breath, and the sweet night air filled his lungs. With one arm, he began to paddle towards the edge of the pool when the limp body pressed against him suddenly came alive. Oikawa floundered and spluttered when droplets got sucked in his nose and mouth.

What the –

"Haha, got ya!" Oikawa said and wiped his wet hair back.

Panic was replaced with furious anger as Hajime stared at Oikawa's shit-eating grin and realization filled him.

"What the hell, Tooru?! You think that was funny?"

"Ah, sorry, sorry. I just couldn't resist the temptation. You should've seen your face."

Hajime glared at him and fought the urge to punch him unconscious. Let's see who will come to his rescue then.

"Fuck you," he snapped instead and turned around towards the dry land.

Oikawa's cold fingers caught his wrist and pulled him back. "Aww, come on, Iwa-chan. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Go die."

"I'm fine, okay? I'm sorry I made you worry."

Hajime threw another death glare at Oikawa but allowed himself to be anchored to him. They were so close their knees occasionally bumped together as they tread the water steadily. His whole body was shaking now with the aftershock of all the adrenalin rushing through his systems a moment ago.

"That was a shitty trick, Stupidkawa," Hajime pouted. "You scared the hell outta me."

"I know, I'm sorry," Oikawa said and had the sense to look a bit sheepish. "If it's any consolation, I was scared shitless, too, up there. I almost chickened out."

"Then why on earth were you so hell-bent on making the jump?"

"I don't know." Oikawa shrugged but wouldn't meet Hajime's eyes. "I just wanted to try it. I guess I thought this was my last chance to do it. With you."

Oh.

"Is that why you've been so weird lately?"

"What do you mean weird?"

"Don't play stupid with me. I've known you since forever, you think I don't have you figured out by now. You've acted like – like – well, weird. I don't know!"

"Doesn't really sound like you've figured me out." Oikawa tried to go for a grin which soon flattened into the sad little smile that Hajime had been seeing a lot lately. "But I guess you're right."

"So, what is it? You nervous about America?"

Oikawa skimmed the water with his hand absentmindedly. "Yeah, sure, I'm worried about all that. It's gonna be a big adjustment, a whole new world. But – ," he glanced at Hajime, a quick flicker of brown eyes before they sank to stare at the water again.

"But?"

"But…," Oikawa drawled. "There's something I haven't…" He drew a deep breath and suddenly met Hajime's eyes head-on. A few droplets of water glittered on his cheeks and long eyelashes, and the blue glow of the pool made his already fair skin even more pale.

"Tooru – "

"When I leave tomorrow, I don't know if I'm ever coming back," Oikawa said and whatever Hajime was about to say died on his lips. "Maybe that's where I'm supposed to stay instead of here. Maybe that's what it takes to get better and finally beat him. Or that's what – it's like I'm torn two ways. But – "

He let out a shaky breath and blinked at the twilight sky. Finally, he seemed to gain some self-control over whatever inner turmoil he was battling and faced Hajime with the same almost intimidating determination that was usually reserved for the volleyball court. Silently he closed the distance between them, and Hajime was so mesmerized by it all he barely flinched when Oikawa cupped his face between his palms and leaned in to softly press their cold lips together.

The kiss lasted mere seconds but shattered and confused Hajime's understanding of himself, Tooru, and their relationship.

"I'm sorry, Iwa-chan," Oikawa whispered and leaned his forehead against Hajime's, "but I've made up my mind."


	3. Chapter 3

Halloween had packed the nearest bar district to the university, and the streets were swarming with lazy homemade sheet ghosts, sexy witches, and half-naked nurses. Hajime negotiated his way past a particularly loud group of a drunken princess, a Frankenstein monster with green face paint, and a Dracula with his long cape dragging in the slush turned into puddles. The night was cold and wet. Heavy flakes of sleet soaked the streets, and people were slipping on the wet coldness in their sneakers and high heels.

Where the hell was this bar, anyway?!

He hadn't spoken with Tooru since they had kissed at the pool that night. Over two months ago, the longest they had ever gone without speaking to each other.

Many nights he had picked up the phone and stared at the message display but where could he have even started? Besides, he hadn't kissed anyone and flown half-way across the world the next morning, so he didn't particularly feel like it was up to him to take the first step.

But then it had hit him that Tooru had no intention to explain himself. This was how he had planned to leave things between them all along. To just one-sidedly cut everything off without giving Hajime the chance to have any say in anything. This was the end of their – whatever they were after the kiss – because Tooru was a coward.

Well, it settled it, then. If the mountain was too much of a coward to face Hajime it seemed like Hajime had to go to the mountain. Quite literally. He had saved all his earnings from his part-time job, cashed out his savings, and borrowed the rest from his parents but god damn it, he had decided to make to America even if he had to swim across the ocean.

His plan had been to track Tooru down at his dorm at the campus. He could afford the shitty hostel room only for two nights, so there was no time to waste. Then he had noticed an Instagram update of Tooru at some bar. Green Gin Mill, the location tag had said and narrowed his search quite significantly.

The picture had been a bit fuzzy but in it Tooru – in some kind of angel costume, it seemed – was hugging some guy dressed as a doctor. He was kissing the guy's cheek and flashing a peace sign, and the guy was winking at the camera with a stupid smirk plastered on his face.

Someone bumped into Hajime and threw a quick "sorry" over their shoulder before carrying on with the crew. Automatically Hajime bowed and was about to apologize when something green caught his eye couple bars down the street. Finally.

Like an oasis at the rough sea, a bright green neon sign of a windmill blinked over the crowd in the sleet rain. The wings of the mill rotated on repeat, and "Green Gin Mill" read on the plate. With new determination, Hajime strode through the flow of drunken university students in his wet sneakers.

The bar was a little hole in the wall with half of its customers spilling out to the street. He squeezed through the door and was greeted by the buzz of conversation, loud music, dim lighting, and floors sticky with spilled drinks. All the tables and seats were taken, so he searched for a corner where he could scan the crowd without being in the way.

Finding an angel with chocolate brown hair out of the sea of colorful Halloween costumes proved to be quite difficult. It was like looking for Waldo in a crowd of other Waldos.

Hajime was about to check his phone again in case Tooru's group had changed locations when he spotted a familiar doctor costume at the bar trying to maneuver two beers through the gridlock of people trying to order. He was almost a head taller than others and broad-shouldered, so he stood out somewhat in his white doctor jacket and head mirror.

He reached the guy just as he sat down at his table packed with other students. Tooru was nowhere to be seen, though.

"Excuse me," Hajime said and patted the guy's shoulder. He silently cringed at his heavy accent.

"Yeah?" the guy looked up at him, and the conversation died at the table.

"Erm, you don't know me but – "

"Sorry, I can't hear you," he interrupted and pointed at his ear. "You're gonna have to speak up!"

Awkwardly Hajime leaned closer. He caught a whiff of the guy's aftershave. Had Tooru smelled this, too, when he had been necking with him?

"I'm a friend of Oikawa's!" Hajime shouted to the guy's ear. "Can you tell me where he is?"

"Oikawa?" the guy looked at him confused, then turned to the rest of the table. "Do we know an Oikawa?"

"Does he mean Tooru?" one of the girls suggested.

"Oh, Tooru! He was here a minute ago…" the guy looked around the crowd like he could've found him, "Did anyone see where he went?"

"I think he went to get some air. Check out the back!" the girl continued to shout across the table and pointed in the direction of the restrooms. "There's a door there to the street."

Hajime nodded his thank yous but before he could leave the guy caught him by his jacket.

"You wanna wait with us? I'm sure he'll come back soon. Hey Meg, make some room!"

Enough people had been invading his personal space for the night, and the back of his head had begun to ache. The noise and cigarette smoke weren't helping. He was in no mood to put up with these strangers and glared at the guy before politeness could stop him.

"Sorry, I'm just looking for Tooru. Have a nice night."

"Okay, well, come back to sit with us! Let's do some _shots_!"

The table erupted in joyful cheers, and spilling shot glasses were lifted in unison. Hajime left the cheering table behind and headed towards the restrooms. The narrow hallway in the back was filled with people standing in line to the bathroom. The backdoor loomed at the other end, and Hajime groaned silently.

Great. Maybe it would be easier to go around the building to the other side? But what if he missed him or got lost? He hadn't come all this way to miss Tooru by a few minutes.

The stench of perfume and hairspray wafting around one group of girls touching up their makeups almost knocked him out, but he made it through. Gasping and coughing he swung the back door open – thank god it hadn't been locked – and sucked in the cool night air. The door let to a back alley with dumpsters and fire escapes. Here the sleet was deeper, and the music and people's voices carried muffled from the distance.

" _Hajime_?"

It was shadowy, but the bright signs from the main street glimmered enough for Hajime to spot a white angel with chocolate brown hair standing in the middle of the sleet rain, staring at him with big, round eyes. The hem of his white robe was soaked, the wings made of fake feathers were ruffled, and the yellow halo waggling above his head was slightly askew.

"You're not easy to find," Hajime said and stepped closer. He noticed Oikawa was also wearing some kind of glitter make-up around his eyes and the long eyelashes were white like they were frozen.

"Wha – how did – " the angel Oikawa stammered in disbelief, and if Hajime hadn't been so worn-out and done with everything he would have enjoyed this rare occasion of confused Oikawa more.

"What are you _doing_ here?"

"I came to check if your teammates have already grown sick and tired of you."

And to figure out what that kiss was all about back then and what we are supposed to be these days? He had wanted to ask those questions for two months – hell, he had flown thousands of kilometers to ask them – but now that he was face-to-face with Tooru the words got stuck in his throat.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

So that you wouldn't run away.

"I wanted to surprise you," Hajime's mouth spew out before his brain could come up with a proper snide comeback.

Oikawa's face lit up in a genuine smile as rare as his bewilderment, and Hajime couldn't help but grin in return. It was like they were together again, walking home from after-school practice, taking the shortcut and teasing each other.

The memory of the shortcut and the pool melt Hajime's smile away.

"Actually, there was a reason why I came," he said and steadied himself to look Oikawa straight in the eye. "There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Well, you could've just picked up the phone," Oikawa said with a chuckle and leaped over a wide puddle of slosh between him and the back door. "Would've been a hell of a lot cheaper than flying half-way across the world. Not to mention eco-friendlier."

"This isn't something I wanted to talk over the phone."

"Well, can it wait for a little? I'm getting cold. Let's get something hot to drink and my circulation working again. I'll introduce you to the others. Some of them are from my new team. Actually, Jake is – "

"I'd rather talk just the two of us."

Oikawa turned to glance at him. "Oh? Sounds serious, but sure. Why don't you wait here while I let them know we'll be leaving? My dorm is close by, so we can just walk there."

The backdoor clanked shut, and Hajime was left alone in the deserted alley. With a deep sigh, he stretched his neck to try and ease the tension and aching building behind his eyes. His breathing steamed out in puffs, a telltale sign that winter was well on its way. Soon, the pool next to their shortcut would be drained and banks of snow would hide their little sneaking hole on the fence.

So far Oikawa seemed to be…normal. Hajime didn't know what he had been expecting but he had imagined there would be at least some kind of reaction – a recollection of that night. Instead of gaining certainty towards one way or another, this threw Hajime off even more.

Or maybe this was his answer. To just let it go and forget about it. Tooru certainly had or at least pretended to have done so. Had he just traveled all this way to – No, whether it was this or that, he had needed to hear it from Tooru in person. To see it with his own eyes.

"Okay, we'll all set. Ready to go?" Oikawa interrupted his mulling. He looked strange wearing a winter coat over his robe but at least he had lost the attachable halo.

On their way to the dorm, Oikawa chattered about the university, his new team, training, and people he had befriended. Everything was so different from back home, but everyone had been super helpful and included him. For the most part, Hajime let him fill the silence without really caring about these people and places he didn't know but when Oikawa excitedly told how much potential the spikers of his new team had for him to exploit there was a strange tightness in his chest.

"I meant to ask, how'd you find me?"

"Instagram. You'd tagged your location."

"Oh. Then you must've met Jake, he was in the picture with me. The doctor."

"Yeah, I saw him."

"He's the captain and my roommate."

"What position he plays?"

"Middle blocker. You should see him on the court," Oikawa said somewhere between admiration and excitement. "He's fast, almost as fast as Hinata even though he's so big. I showed him a couple of Karasuno's games, and we've been trying those pin-point tosses with him."

"I thought you couldn't do them."

"Yeah, but we have more strong players like Ushiwaka against us early on, so we can't rely on schemes alone. I gotta say, I'm kinda excited to see if I can really do those god-like tosses."

Hajime hunched his shoulders and pursed his lips. He had never doubted Aoba Johsai was strong, but maybe Oikawa could have made it to the nationals with a better team. With a better ace.

"Well, it sure sounds like you've found your dream team," he said and mentally cringed at how petulant he sounded even to his own ears.

Oikawa glanced at him. "Yeah, I guess," he said quietly. He stopped in front of a gate that led to a high apartment building. "This is me. If you want, you can stay the night. Jake said he won't mind."

The dorm room was nothing special. A bunk bed, two desks piled with books and magazines, and a small fridge in the corner. There were a couple of volleyball posters and a little chalkboard on the wall and a stack of familiar looking tatami pillows on the floor. A piece of home in this foreign place.

Oikawa shed his jacket and conjured a short-legged, collapsible chabudai from under the bed and a small hotplate. In no time, they were comfortably seated and slurping steaming mugs of tea. Oikawa had offered to spike Hajime's drink with a dash of booze, but he declined. Since when he had started to drink this much, anyway?

"So, what'd you wanna talk about? You sounded like someone had died or something."

"No, nothing like that."

"What then?"

Hajime put his mug down and took a steadying breath. Oikawa was looking at him with his head tilted. He was still wearing his angel makeup which looked much weirder in proper lighting than it had in the dim glimmer of the alley.

"I didn't like the way things were left…between us."

Oikawa frowned. "Nothing was _left_ like anything. We're fine."

"Are we?" Hajime squinted.

"Of course, why wouldn't we be?"

"Then what's with the silent treatment? Two months, no calls, no messages, no nothing."

"Aww, what's the matter? Missed me?" Oikawa sneered. "Sorry, but I've been a tad busy with getting things started here."

"It doesn't take much time to drop a couple lines."

"Is this really what you came to ask me all this way? Why I haven't called? You could've just – "

"Why'd ya kiss me?"

Oikawa shifted in his seat and knead his neck awkwardly. "Just forget about it. I was drunk that night."

"You weren't _that_ drunk."

"Yeah, I was."

"But there must've been some kinda reason still. Why? You like me or something?"

The way Oikawa wouldn't meet his eyes and everything kind of went blank on him told Hajime he had just hit the nail on the head.

"What does it matter? It's not like it would've ever gone anywhere, especially now."

"And you thought it would be acceptable to decide all that by yourself?"

Oikawa glared at him. It had been a while since the last time he had looked at Hajime in anger like that. Years, maybe.

"Yes, I did. Because it wasn't any of your business. Whatever I might've felt – That kinda thing, it was useless, so I did nothing."

"Except that you kissed me," Hajime raised his voice. "And then up and left and took zero responsibility. Do you have any idea how much I've been wracking my brains these past two months?!"

"Well, now you know!" Oikawa threw his hands up. A slight tremble and thickness crept into his voice. "But don't worry, there's an ocean between us, so you don't have to think about it anymore. If you could've just let it go, for _once_ in your life, it would've all gone away."

"But it hasn't gone away, has it?" Hajime asked quietly.

The brown of Oikawa's eyes blurred, and he shook his head in silence. A tear rolled down his cheek leaving a shiny trail behind, and before he knew what he was doing Hajime reached to wipe it off. The glitter smudged under his thumb a little. Oikawa's white eyelashes fluttered, and he leaned against Hajime's palm.

"Dumbass. You must've known I wouldn't let it go. It's you, so of course, I wouldn't."

Oikawa let out a small, teary chuckle. "Because you've got me all figured out?"

"Because I've got you all figured out."

"You're kinda annoying, you know that?"

"You, too," Hajime said with a tentative smile. "Now," slowly he leaned over the small tabletop while sliding his hand behind Oikawa's neck, "there's something I've been meaning to return."

Oikawa's eyes widened when their lips brushed, and a muffled sound of surprise escaped him. It was dry and chaste compared to the one Tooru had given him that night. When Hajime pulled back, he monitored Oikawa's face closely in case he was taking an entirely wrong turn with this. Oikawa blinked at him in shock, his lips slightly parted.

"Wh – but," he stammered.

"The next time you need to tell me something," Hajime said and hold Oikawa's eyes, "don't just spring it on me and then run away. I know it's scary but you're gonna have to trust me. Just like you've done with everything else so far."

Oikawa swallowed and nodded. "Okay. I promise."


End file.
